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| Deal Family Easter, 1989 |
Family is so strange. We all have the same blood running through our veins but yet we are all so different.
My mom and dad are 1st generation Christians in their family. We have always been very different from both sides of our families. Growing up we were still close despite the differences. Yet as time went on some of us moved physically away and some of us just went away, in our own directions, most not in a healthy direction.
Honestly, I had always just excepted this, not wanting my kids to be around the dysfunction. I'm not proud of my attitude towards them, especially now.
About 7 years ago when the Matriarchs of the family died on both sides (both grandmas) there was even a bigger gap.
These past few years my dad's side had gotten together a few times. Each time I always felt so distant, wanting to be an important part of the family to them as well. Most of them were always together. It was our lifestyle differences that kept me way out of the loop.
On this past Mother's Day my dad had a get together for his side of the family to celebrate his birthday and remember my late grandma. This would only be the 2nd time this year we will have seen each other. This side of the family are strangers to my kids. As a matter of fact I thought my 13 year old was going to have a panic attack because he is not used to being around such a loud and rowdy bunch. It just made me laugh. I think to myself oh how I have missed this. I left that day with a big smile on my face. It felt really good to me to have been with them that day, once again yearning to somehow be closer despite differences...
The next Saturday, which is this past Saturday, I got a phone call from my mom telling me my Aunt Cindy had a severe heart attack and it looks really bad.
Now I'm in an ICU waiting room with the same family members I missed so much and just had a much awaited family day with. Now we feel like the tight family unit I remember as a kid. I didn't want to be together under these circumstances but there was an odd peace just being able to be with each other.
My Aunt at this time was brain dead. She never woke up after she hit the floor. I went in to see her but didn't really want to be in there. I wanted to remember the smiles and laughter I shared with her just 6 days before. I want that day to be forever imbedded in my memory.
My 15 year old Cody had spent the night with my parents that Friday night. He went to the hospital with my parents because as he said "I don't know her, but she's family.". Cody has never been around death before. As a mother I was not ready for him to experience this, but ultimately it was his decision. He has expressed that he wants to get to know his family and is enjoying being with them. I feel so guilty...
I don't know what is going to happen when this week is over. The memorial service is Thursday. What's next week and the week after that going to look like? Are we going to keep our promises of wanting to spend more time together? I don't know.
Being through this before I know all too well the promises we make to each other, really believing them at the time, but then time passes and we're back to the way it used to be... distant.
I love you Aunt Cindy. Thank you for the laughter and the smiles.
