Figuring Life Out - One Thousand Gifts

It Is Well With My Soul

My brother died September 12, 1994. He was a few weeks short of his 17th birthday. I turned 20 the day after he died. I made a pact with God that instead of being angry I would use it to help others.

My 12 year old son, Tyler, was diagnosed with DMD June of 1999. He was only 15 months old. This time I was angry! Why would he do this to our family a second time? Why my son? First the sister, now the mom? I promised I would use my life experience being the sister, not the mom! Not at all what I had in mind when I made that promise.

A few years after we found out I had volunteered to help with taking our Youth Group to their annual convention. The same convention I loved going to as a teen. I was very pregnant with Tatum so I was hormonal to begin with. Saturday afternoon during worship they sang It is Well With My Soul. I had to leave during the song. I cried out to God "it is NOT well with MY soul"! I cried like a baby in the bathroom. How could I be helping with the youth group if I cannot even worship God with a loving and open heart? The realization of this put me on a path of healing.

It has been about 4 years now that I can say I can sing It is Well With My Soul. I am still on the path but not as far back as I used to be. At the same time I made a new pact with God. I will use both, being the sister and the mother. I don't have it all figured out. I still have days, more than I'd like.

Maybe this blog will be the start of the ministry God has called me to...

I have hesitated to write on my blog because I am terrible at grammar. But oh well I guess, so here it goes anyway.

Yesterday Tatum came home upset because her friends were leaving her out. None of them would even talk to her and I guess they were being rude. I hugged her and tried to tell her this too will pass.

I was so proud of her this morning (actually hoping she had forgotten). She was just being her happy funny self - til we go to the bus stop. We started talking about it. She was still upset. I tried to tell her all would probably be different today. I could not convince her.

I was really trying to be positive for her all the while knowing all too well how it feels. I wanted to go to school with her. The thought of her being all alone and being treated terribly made me want to cry.

Things go so bad in 5th grade with my group of friends my teacher was at whits end. I always hated to see people left out, but it became a game of survival.

I was so scarred from that, I had a hard time trusting any friend I made after that. To this day I have a terrible phobia that when two or more of my friends are together without me they will talk about me and I will no longer have friends. I have come a long way. I calm myself by trying to remind myself of the truth. Sometimes my emotions still get the best of me. I don't get as upset half as often as I used to, but still Satan throws it in my face every time!

As an adult I have had to learn some really hard lessons. I have ruined friendships because of my fears. They didn't understand because I couldn't be honest about my fears. It took many times around the same mountain, wandering around in the desert helplessly. Satan will never let me forget but I am learning how to be more honest and hold my thoughts and reactions accountable.

Why do we do that? Why are we so afraid of being alone? I personally feel it is because of our past hurts and disappointments. Why is God not enough? He promises never to leave us, but sometimes it feels as though even he is MIA. I need to constantly renew my mind, everyday.

I am determined to teach Tatum how to do that now. Teach her she is a child of God and is loved beyond measure. The people of this earth do not determine our worth. To hold our head high even in unfair times. To be a Godly little girl and never treat others that way, even if it is the unpopular thing to do.

I love you Tatum. You are a miracle to me.