Untangling Christmas

I tend to be so OCD around this time of year.  I can't help it, I want my house to look as though it belongs in the Better Homes & Gardens Christmas addition.  I want to have picture perfect parties.  I want to impress everyone.  I always have to have Christmas dinner at my house and prepare everything myself.  I want to have homemade cookies always in the oven.  I want to do awesome crafts with my kids.  Most of all, I want it to all look effortless.  My husband and kids on the other hand would probably like to send me away this time of year.

These are a few of my favorite things, but the reality of it is it has never been this way.  Instead I run around my house like a lunatic with my head cut off demanding everyone needs to want this too and help make it happen.  My tree doesn't look magazine perfect, I am too tired to get all the inside/outside house decorating done, my house doesn't smell like cookies, instead it smells like the litter box!  Everything isn't in it's perfect place and the stinger is no one else in this house of a husband and 3 kids seems to care.  It pains me so....

Well, this year I'm trying something different.....  stepping back, taking it easy, & enjoy!  So far... not so good.  I had a total melt down this past weekend because everyone wasn't doing their part with the Christmas decorating.  I actually threw a temper tantrum and went to bed (for everyone's safety of course).

I need help, a lot of it!  I found the perfect book.... Untangling Christmas  by Karen Ehman and LeAnn Rice of Proverbs 31 Ministries.  If you are like me and develop ulcers this time of year and want a change, I suggest you check it out too.

Here's to a sane Christmas!

http://www.untanglingchristmas.org/

Courageous

This past Sunday my family went to see Courageous the movie from the creators of Fireproof.  These movies just keep getting better and better.  Even my 15 year old who is really hard to impress lately said "for a Christian movie that was pretty good!".

You know how when you feel as though you have so much of yourself to "fix" and you just get so overwhelmed that you start to point out the flaws of others thinking if they just get their stuff together it would help you out immensely?  Well, I'm at that point right now myself.  I have to admit I went in this movie hoping my husband would get what I've been trying to tell him lately!

I know we are to keep our eyes on ourselves, remove our plank first.  I guess when I feel as though I am failing at just about everything lately I want my husband to step up and do everything perfect to make up for my mess.  I never really thought of that before.  I need my husband to be strong where I am weak.  I need him to remind me of scripture.  I need to hear this too shall pass.  How can he do these things as I sit and coach him from the sidelines.  I complain that he makes me feel like a child when really I know down deep I am the one making myself LOOK like a child.  How can he be the partner I preach him to be when all I do is make him feel like the failure I feel that I am?  I yell at him what I want to yell at myself.

My husband and I are going through a difficult stage right now.  I have been dealing with not feeling content in my life for a long time now.  My husband has about reached his breaking point with me I feel.  I have reached my breaking point with myself.  I know I need to change.  I think it may begin with a new attitude.

Making ourselves "new".  Making difficult changes.  Admitting mistakes.  All the while becoming more and more Christlike.  None of this is for the weak at heart.  It takes a whole lot of faith.  A lot of letting go of the wheel and letting Christ take it.  A lot of courage!

Who feels like becoming Courageous with me?

(in order to watch this video you will need to turn off the music player at the bottom of the page)

One Thousand Gifts

Fall is my favorite season.  Ask me what my favorite colors are and and I think of deep reds, rich yellows, burnt orange, & dark browns.

The smells instantly bring me to my childhood.  The smells of the iron over wax paper and huge beautiful, colorful leaves.  We then place them in the window and watch as the sun shines through.

The smell of caramel melting over the fresh picked apples from Barber's Orchard.  I think as kids we ate more apples than we picked.  I loved the green ones.

When we lived in Colorado I missed looking out the car window at the rolling hills covered in the most amazing colors.  There is no place like home.

When I think of Joseph's coat of many colors I picture a sea of fall's richest colors. I can't get enough of the sunshine and brilliant colors.  Makes me smile.

Then of course is the annual Apple Fest in downtown Franklin.  All the crafters with their colorful fall crafts.  I could go bankrupt shopping there.  It is probably the one event I look forward to every year and wouldn't miss for anything.  Speaking of it is going on this weekend.  I cannot wait!  The hubby is even off work so he can go with me.

Then eventually all the leaves will be off the trees.  The weather asks you to put on a heavier jacket.  The color of white will cover the bare trees.  This is when I'd like to move out of PA.  Winter here seems to drag on forever.  Yes it has it's own beauty and Christmas isn't Christmas without snow.  Come New Year's day it can stop though.

In the fall, right now, I can count many blessings.  I can look out the window and start writing til my fingers fall off.  Winter, well that is more of a challenge.  I look forward to my eyes being open this winter.  I want to look out the window and jot down my blessings til my fingers fall off.

I encourage you to do the same...

FOR BETTER OR WORSE

They say 1 out of every 2 marriages will end in divorce.

They say finances are the #1 reason marriages fail.

They say many marriages fail when they are dealing with a disabled child.

STRIKE 1:  My husband and I let's just say have seen better days financially.

STRIKE 2:  Our 13 year old son has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy.  He is now in a wheelchair and seems to be getting weaker by the minute.

My way too intelligent 8 yr. old daughter Tatum, informed me in so many words yesterday that her dad and I fight way too much and she is experiencing high anxiety because of it.   Cody, my 15 yr. old rolls his eyes every time Charley and I get into another argument.

All odds seem to be against us.  We look at each other and we just don't know what to say besides what we need from the other and what we can't stand about the other.  We are hurting.  We feel insecure in life right now.  We are scared.  And we are treating each other as though we are each others' enemy.

Aren't we supposed to be partners?  Each others' helpmate?  Each others' comfort?  Isn't it supposed to be us against the world, not us against each other?

Three things we can agree on right now.  We are not doing this right.  We DO love each other.  We DON'T want out!   Oh, one more - we need help.

We agree we need to concentrate not on what we need, but what the other one needs.  Tear down the walls.  Work together, not against.  Listen, not talk.

Let's start new.  Stop looking back.  Learn from today and move on to tomorrow.  All the while putting our marriage in God's hands.

  It will take a miracle for our marriage to withstand these obstacles in life.  Good thing God is in the miracle business!

Family

Deal Family Easter, 1989

I lost another family member this weekend way too soon for her time.

Family is so strange.  We all have the same blood running through our veins but yet we are all so different.

My mom and dad are 1st generation Christians in their family.  We have always been very different from both sides of our families.  Growing up we were still close despite the differences.  Yet as time went on some of us moved physically away and some of us just went away, in our own directions, most not in a healthy direction.

Honestly, I had always just excepted this, not wanting my kids to be around the dysfunction.  I'm not proud of my attitude towards them, especially now.

About 7 years ago when the Matriarchs of the family died on both sides (both grandmas) there was even a bigger gap.

These past few years my dad's side had gotten together a few times.  Each time I always felt so distant, wanting to be an important part of the family to them as well.  Most of them were always together.  It was our lifestyle differences that kept me way out of the loop.

On this past Mother's Day my dad had a get together for his side of the family to celebrate his birthday and remember my late grandma.  This would only be the 2nd time this year we will have seen each other.  This side of the family are strangers to my kids.  As a matter of fact I thought my 13 year old was going to have a panic attack because he is not used to being around such a loud and rowdy bunch.  It just made me laugh.  I think to myself oh how I have missed this.  I left that day with a big smile on my face.  It felt really good to me to have been with them that day, once again yearning to somehow be closer despite differences...

The next Saturday, which is this past Saturday, I got a phone call from my mom telling me my Aunt Cindy had a severe heart attack and it looks really bad.

Now I'm in an ICU waiting room with the same family members I missed so much and just had a much awaited family day with.  Now we feel like the tight family unit I remember as a kid.  I didn't want to be together under these circumstances but there was an odd peace just being able to be with each other.

My Aunt at this time was brain dead.  She never woke up after she hit the floor.  I went in to see her but didn't really want to be in there.  I wanted to remember the smiles and laughter I shared with her just 6 days before.  I want that day to be forever imbedded in my memory.

My 15 year old Cody had spent the night with my parents that Friday night.  He went to the hospital with my parents because as he said "I don't know her, but she's family.".  Cody has never been around death before.  As a mother I was not ready for him to experience this, but ultimately it was his decision.  He has expressed that he wants to get to know his family and is enjoying being with them.  I feel so guilty...

I don't know what is going to happen when this week is over.  The memorial service is Thursday.  What's next week and the week after that going to look like?  Are we going to keep our promises of wanting to spend more time together?  I don't know.

Being through this before I know all too well the promises we make to each other, really believing them at the time, but then time passes and we're back to the way it used to be... distant.

I love you Aunt Cindy.  Thank you for the laughter and the smiles.

LOVE

This week our church is having a revival.  The Pastor is talking about LOVE.  This is a topic I think that we will never be done learning about.  If you're not on top of it we can loose sight of love so quickly it is almost scary.

Back in 2009 I was on the Leader Board at our church, the Youth Leader, and anything else I could get my hands on to feel important, to satisfy my need to be in control.

About a year or two before that our church was going through the transition of finding a new pastor.    At that time the church was at odds with one another.  We definitely lost sight of what love looks like and what the lack of love can do not only to one another but to the health and effectiveness of the church.

It was about this time I was feeling a calling into leadership.  Then I was asked to come aboard the Leadership Board.  I should have know the disaster of my lack of love because of my attitude going in.  Along with a few others, we were going to fix everything and bring back harmony and begin to teach everyone how a church is meant to be run.  Please note, this was MY attitude not the others.

Over the course of the next few years I did my share of calling out people whom I thought was not doing their part correctly or wasn't  displaying the role of "leadership"  from the Bible's perspective.  Over time and seeing the hurt I was causing, I got disgusted with myself.  I mean I could NOT stand my attitude.  Here Christ gave me the awesome opportunity to help lead our church to love like Christ and enthusiastically demonstrate how awesome it is to have a close personal relationship with Christ.  I failed miserably!

I then decided it was time to step down from everything and get back to having a relationship with Christ.  My friends and the Leadership board finally set me down to share how concerned they were.  It is one thing when you feel as though you are failing in God's eyes, it's another when others start seeing it also.  I lost control of "hiding" it.  It was time to get back to the basics - LOVE.

Oh how humbling it is when you finally let Christ take back control.   Obviously control is an issue with me.  I'm learning, probably slower than most.  It's a painful process but a necessary one.  I'm once again on my way from ashes to beauty.

Thank you Lord for never giving up on me!

SHE SPEAKS

I have felt a calling for a long time now to help others that have gone through what I have or am still.

I have gone from having a retreat with families with handicapped children, a safe place where they could meet Christ.  I wanted to share our faith and give them the hope and faith that we have.  Also, a place they could come to get away from it all.

I have thought of so many ways I could do that.  We had even bought a few Alpacas at one time thinking that could be our income for this retreat. 

I thought of having a bed and breakfast, but since I'm not a morning person I thought that may not be the best answer.

I had started to do a Ladies Bible Study at my church a few years back.  I realized I have a story to tell.  From one broken woman to another.

Every time I go through a trial I just say, "well that's one more to add to the list."

I had gone to a Women of Faith conference a few years ago and thought to myself, "wow!  I could really see my self doing something like this."

I have not known how to go about this, and I have gone off the laid out path God has for me too many times.  I thought how in the world would I even begin to make this a reality.

I came across Proverbs 31 Ministries about a year ago.  When I was just looking around on the site I noticed they have a conference to help women follow their calling/dream of sharing their love of Christ.  They have 3 different tracks you can attend.  Writers, speakers, or women's ministry leader.

I cannot begin to tell you how very excited I was to see that.  I really would love to attend this year!  I'm praying/hoping God will bless me with this experience.

If you have felt a calling to reach out to others through writing, speaking, or ministry I would so encourage you to check it out!

I have been following the president of the ministry, Lysa Terkeurst's blog.  I have so fallen in love with her and her ministry.

I pray this will be the beginning of this door opening.

Is It Summer Yet?

I am seriously suffering from the winter blues.  I want to be able to go outside and sit with a glass of ice water & the 10 latest things I'm reading at once.

  I want to feel the warm breeze blowing through my hair.  Hear the sounds of the birds and catch a sly glance of them at the bird feeder, since now that we got rid of our killer cat I can once again have one outside without feeling like I was louring them to their death.

Oh, can't forget the phone so I don't have to run into the house to answer it since for some reason my kids seem to be def to it.  Even though I still have to run into the house to break up fights, get drinks and food, and anything else the kids feel like distracting me with.

Now I look over at our new fence just partially put up.  The empty place I would like to have a quiet, soothing pond and some fish, once again I can now have fish since killer is gone.  The other empty place I would like to have my raised garden so I feel like I am contributing to going green.  Oh, let's not even go to the front of the house...

Well I guess no matter what season it is, my life is never going to be the way I have it in my head.   I guess it's the perfectionist in me or the fact I don't stay content very long.  I'd like to blame it on my kids and husband but I guess that wouldn't be fair, completely. :)

I have too long a history of looking past the blessings and wishing for something more.  More room, more color, more help, more sleep, more things done around the house....  When will I just relax and enjoy the blessings and not sweat the small stuff?  Or try to tackle the big stuff myself without God, all that gives me is a headache and a family who would like to kick me out of the house until it passes.

I have taken one step closer to a peaceful freedom.  I am reading ONE THOUSAND GIFTS  by Ann Voskamp.  I have truly fallen in love with this book!  Now if I can just stop procrastinating and finish reading it!

Check it out I promise you'll be blessed!

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhOUaszMGvQ&feature=player_embedded

Suddenly

I always have struggled with being discontent. Wanting to rush God along with what I know is my calling and never being able to relate that what I'm doing now is leading me to where God wants me. In the meantime I was always supposed to be right where I am.

When I first heard this SuperChick song it hit so close to home so I thought I'd share this part of me captured in someone else's song.

SUDDENLY

  She feels lost in her own life,

 treading water just to keep from slipping under,

and she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be.

Tired of trying to do it right,

  her dreams are just to far away to see how steps she's making,

might be taking her to who she'll be.

And Suddenly it isn't what it used to be,
  and after all this time it worked out just fine.
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be,
  and after all these tears I was supposed to be here.

She feels locked in her own life,

  scared of what she might lose  if she moves away from who she was,

and she's afraid of being free.

There's a way she knows is right,

  she can't feel the things she knows,

and so each step she's taking is a step of faith towards who she'll be.

And Suddenly it isn't what it used to be,
  and after all this time it worked out just fine.
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be,
  and after all these tears I was supposed to be here.

                                                ~SuperChick~

Figuring Life Out - One Thousand Gifts

It Is Well With My Soul

My brother died September 12, 1994. He was a few weeks short of his 17th birthday. I turned 20 the day after he died. I made a pact with God that instead of being angry I would use it to help others.

My 12 year old son, Tyler, was diagnosed with DMD June of 1999. He was only 15 months old. This time I was angry! Why would he do this to our family a second time? Why my son? First the sister, now the mom? I promised I would use my life experience being the sister, not the mom! Not at all what I had in mind when I made that promise.

A few years after we found out I had volunteered to help with taking our Youth Group to their annual convention. The same convention I loved going to as a teen. I was very pregnant with Tatum so I was hormonal to begin with. Saturday afternoon during worship they sang It is Well With My Soul. I had to leave during the song. I cried out to God "it is NOT well with MY soul"! I cried like a baby in the bathroom. How could I be helping with the youth group if I cannot even worship God with a loving and open heart? The realization of this put me on a path of healing.

It has been about 4 years now that I can say I can sing It is Well With My Soul. I am still on the path but not as far back as I used to be. At the same time I made a new pact with God. I will use both, being the sister and the mother. I don't have it all figured out. I still have days, more than I'd like.

Maybe this blog will be the start of the ministry God has called me to...

I have hesitated to write on my blog because I am terrible at grammar. But oh well I guess, so here it goes anyway.

Yesterday Tatum came home upset because her friends were leaving her out. None of them would even talk to her and I guess they were being rude. I hugged her and tried to tell her this too will pass.

I was so proud of her this morning (actually hoping she had forgotten). She was just being her happy funny self - til we go to the bus stop. We started talking about it. She was still upset. I tried to tell her all would probably be different today. I could not convince her.

I was really trying to be positive for her all the while knowing all too well how it feels. I wanted to go to school with her. The thought of her being all alone and being treated terribly made me want to cry.

Things go so bad in 5th grade with my group of friends my teacher was at whits end. I always hated to see people left out, but it became a game of survival.

I was so scarred from that, I had a hard time trusting any friend I made after that. To this day I have a terrible phobia that when two or more of my friends are together without me they will talk about me and I will no longer have friends. I have come a long way. I calm myself by trying to remind myself of the truth. Sometimes my emotions still get the best of me. I don't get as upset half as often as I used to, but still Satan throws it in my face every time!

As an adult I have had to learn some really hard lessons. I have ruined friendships because of my fears. They didn't understand because I couldn't be honest about my fears. It took many times around the same mountain, wandering around in the desert helplessly. Satan will never let me forget but I am learning how to be more honest and hold my thoughts and reactions accountable.

Why do we do that? Why are we so afraid of being alone? I personally feel it is because of our past hurts and disappointments. Why is God not enough? He promises never to leave us, but sometimes it feels as though even he is MIA. I need to constantly renew my mind, everyday.

I am determined to teach Tatum how to do that now. Teach her she is a child of God and is loved beyond measure. The people of this earth do not determine our worth. To hold our head high even in unfair times. To be a Godly little girl and never treat others that way, even if it is the unpopular thing to do.

I love you Tatum. You are a miracle to me.